SEVEN: Hey!  Quiet! Someone is coming!

TWO: What? We’re always quiet!  Oh… Yeah, someone just turned on the lights!

SIX: Hey! Someone just turned on the lights!

TWO: I just said that! Will you stop looking out that window!  I know you miss the building that used to be there, but it’s gone now, and it’s gonna take a least a year before something else is put up in it’s place.

SIX: Well, I still miss it. But I just noticed some sort of screen-printing business over in that other building. I keep seeing–

SEVEN: Whoa! I’m moving, I’m moving… He’s moving me, he’s moving me…

TWO: Probably just wants to get a better look at you in the light.

SEVEN: But he just turned on the lights.

TWO: Well, he just moved you closer to the window, so I guess he wanted to see what you looked like in the sunlight.

SIX: Or maybe he wants you to see that screen-printing business in the other building too.

SEVEN: Yeah, right.  Hey!  He looks really familiar.

SIX: You know, he looks familiar to me too.

TWO: Me too!

SIX: You’re just saying that.

TWO: No, I’m not.

SIX: Yes, you are.

TWO: No, I’m not.


TWO: No, I’m– Why is he taking out a camera?

SEVEN: I think he’s taking a picture of all three of us.

TWO: Hey, I have seen this guy before! Remember, Seven? I was just telling you about him! This is the guy that was taking pictures of his lunch two weeks ago.

SIX: What?!?!?  That’s crazy.  Why would anyone want to do that?

TWO: I dunno.  But I swear I saw him taking pictures of his lunch.  And he kept setting the self-timer on his camera to take pictures of himself too.

SEVEN: I swear, they’re all narcissists!

SIX: Well, it looks like you’re right. He is taking a picture of the three of us.

SEVEN: So that’s why he moved me?!?  For a picture? And I was just tuned!

SIX: So was I.

TWO: We all were!

SEVEN: As if a tuning is gonna hide that big scratch on your fallboard, anyway.

TWO: It’s not that big.

SEVEN: Yes, it is.

TWO: No — Well —  So… Well, at least my bass notes don’t keep ringing!

SEVEN: Hey! Some people like the extra sound!

TWO: No they don’t.

SEVEN: Yes, they do!

TWO and SIX: No, they don’t.

SEVEN: Well, at least my damper pedal doesn’t squeak!

SIX: Hey! It only does that in the summer when the humidity is high! It’s not like I can control the change of seasons. We all have our faults. Just be thankful we all got tuned today. It’s been a while.

SEVEN: Guess you’re right, it had been a while. Of course, then he left us in front of the drafty windows and the radiators.

SIX: Well, nobody’s perfect, but at least we’re well tempered. Get it? Well tempered?

TWO: Trust me.  We got it.

SEVEN: And we got it the last time you made that joke.  And the time before that, and the time before that.

SIX: What do you mean "and the time before that"? I haven’t made that joke that often.

TWO: Yes, you have. I never forget a bad joke.

SIX: Shut up.

SEVEN: Now, now, now – No need to put a damper on the situation.

TWO: Oy! – And I’m the one accused of making bad jokes?

SIX: Oy?!?!  Where did you pick that up from?

TWO: With the number of bagels that get placed on me each week?

SEVEN: Oooh, I hate that too.  Especially when the sesame seeds and poppy seeds fall between my keys!  You think they would be more considerate, more caring.

SIX: And the cream cheese fingers!

ALL THREE: And the coffee!  Ah, well.  (sigh)

SIX: It looks like he’s done taking pictures of us, and now it looks like he’s pulling up the benches…

TWO: Play me!!! Play me!!!

SEVEN: Stop begging.  Besides, I think I’m first.

TWO: Play me!!!! Play– Oh… He did you pick you first.

SEVEN: Ooh, he has a nice touch.

SIX: How come everyone always seems to start off with the same notes and chords?

SEVEN: Maybe it’s a tradition?

TWO: I heard it was a law.

SEVEN: You hear a lot of things.

TWO: Yeah – like your ringing bass notes.  And it looks like he just heard them too! Ha!

SEVEN: Shut up.

TWO: Well, at least I can shut up.  Ring-Ring-Ring.

SEVEN: I said… (defeated) Nevermind.

SIX: Looks like I’m next.

TWO: Saving the best for last, I guess.

SIX: If you’re the best, I’m a Steinway Model D.

TWO: You’ve never even seen a Steinway Model D, so how would you know?

SIX: Quiet! He’s trying me out. Ooh… He does have a nice touch.

SEVEN: Well, he sure didn’t touch you for that long.

SIX: That’s because he knows greatness at first touch. Ring-Ring-Ring.

SEVEN: Drop it already.

TWO: Touch has nothing to do with it. It’s all about the sound. And now he’s about to hear the best.  Why don’t you two be quiet. now. Listen and be miserable.

SEVEN: HA! He just plunked you!  Not even a full chord!

SIX: (laughing) That wasn’t even a melodic fragment!

TWO: Yes, it was! I recognized it!


TWO: Anton Webern’s "Variationen für Klavier", Op. 27.

SIX and SEVEN: WHAT?!?!?

SIX: Um… That may have been a tone row he was playing, but I can assure it was not on purpose, and  it was most definitely not from the Second Viennese School. But I must say, you’re German diction is getting better.

TWO: Thank you. I think. -Whoa! He’s moving me! See! He picked me! He picked me!

SIX: Well, if he picked you, how come he’s moving you toward the door?

TWO: What?!?!?

SEVEN: Were you hoping he would show you some sympathetic vibrations?

TWO: Well, one upright’s sympathetic vibrations are another one’s ringing bass notes!

SEVEN: Well, I’m not the one being rolled out of the room! Buh-bye!


SIX: Hmmm… I guess you’re next.

SEVEN: Or you!

SIX: Or maybe we’re both staying?

SEVEN: Since when have two of us been in the same room at the same and been played at the same time?  It’s not like we’re uptown at Juilliard.

SIX: What? Where?

SEVEN: Juilliard. It’s a school. I hear they crowd like ten of us in the same room, and have groups come in and play the same thing over and over and over again. That one tuner is always talking to himself. Always mumbling something about practice rooms and college students.

SIX: Mumbling is different from talking.

SEVEN: Well, sometimes he mumbles clearly. I know he’s mentioned something about beer in the studios a few times.

SIX: Beer at a school?  Well, I guess-

SEVEN: Oh, no… He’s come back into the room.  And he brought the other guy with him.  See, I told you both us would be used today!

SIX: That other guy never plays.

SEVEN: You sure?

SIX: Yes, I’m sure.  He just moves us around.

SEVEN: Play me! Play me! Play me!!

SIX: Play me!! Play me!!! Play me!!!!

SEVEN: Stop that! I said it first! He’s obviously going to play me today.

SIX: Then why is the other guy starting to move you?

SEVEN: What?!?!? 

SIX: See you later, Resonator.


TWO: So we meet again.  And so soon. Welcome to the hallway.

SEVEN: Well, at least I wasn’t the first one out today.

TWO: Ring-Ring-Ring…

SEVEN: Give it a rest! I told you, I can’t help it.  Truce?

TWO: Truce?

SEVEN: Truce.

TWO: OK. Truce.

SEVEN: By the way, I’m sorry about your scratch.

TWO: It’s OK. I actually kind of like it. Makes me unique. It’s like a battle scar. Helps separate me from all the other Oak finishes on the floor.

SEVEN: Hmm… I see what you mean. It ain’t easy being a Walnut either.

TWO: I guess not.  Hey! Listen!…

SEVEN: What?

TWO: I think they’ve started in there…

SEVEN: Yes, they have.

TWO: Ah! Kids auditions today!  And you know how much Six loves children! (laughs)

SEVEN: Wait! Quiet!

TWO: What?

SEVEN: Was that a squeak I just heard? (laughs)

TWO: Karma, baby. Karma!